Just A Waiter In A Cocktail Bar
by ibuypeetasbread
Summary: Dan Howell has just moved to London and it suddenly dawns on him he has to find a job, so when a vacancy arise's for the hottest bar in Soho, He grabs it, but what he doesn't know is that he going to meet the guy who will change his life / Danisnotonfire & Amazingphil / PHAN / T & M rated for fluff and smut /
1. Chapter 1

I needed to get a job. Seriously I cannot go on living on takeout pizza and tequila. I need money; I mean I made it to London. Anywhere is better than Reading, I managed to find an apartment with rent costs that made me fall backwards, but I had just enough so stupidly I now have this apartment I can't afford and my 'work area' is littered with so many Chinese cartons I have lost my laptop.

I reach for the newspaper and in the process I knock over a bowl of whatever mush I was eating for breakfast, this splashes all over my shirt and new black skinny jeans, (they were a necessity, ok?) Shit, it has completely drenched me. Cursing as I get up my eyes notice a flyer falling out of the paper.

'YOUNG AND ATTRACTIVE BARMEN NEEDED'

I scan the vacancy a bit more and rummage around my desk for long enough until I find a scrap piece of paper and a biro that works. I jot down the address and head for my pile of clothes, I am too poor to own a wardrobe it seems, I manage to dig out my favourite shirt and put on an old pair of faded denim cut offs and straighten my hair. I grab my phone and the bit of paper and make my way outside.

I am still not used to my life in London yet, everything seems so faced paced and everyone knows exactly where they are going and where they need to be. I manage to find the underground and catch a tube to Soho. I just need to look like I know where I am going. I see a boy staring at me, I am taken back. He has these piercing blue eyes and a sweep of black hair that falls in front of his face, he wears a casual shirt and black skinny jeans but what really makes me smile are the pair of brightly coloured mis-matching socks. I look back at him but he is now looking at his phone. I can't take my eyes off him. My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the tube doors open.

Shit, Shit, Shit. I grab my bag and 'mind the gap' the doors scare me so much, they are lethal and could close on you at any second. I look around to see if I can find that guy but all I can see is a sea of people.

"What the hell, move." I hear I man shout as he pushes past me.

I do consider shouting fuck you, but I feel that I probably should start moving as I am causing a bloody pileup of commuters and little children holding hands with their grandma. I regain my stride and swipe my new oyster card into the machine; I walk up the steps and see the illuminated lights of Soho, holy shit it has got dark quickly.

I find the crumpled flyer from my and stare at the modern font. I think I can just go and ask at the bar or something, I have no clue how to get a job, like I should be at uni now but seriously law was draining the life out of me, they were gradually sucking out my soul.

I touch up my hair and smooth down my 'hipster' jacket and walk along the street, I look along the street trying to find the 'OHOS' Bar, I take in the surroundings, a few other modern bars line the street as well as 'Flares' a nightclub and a tattoo salon. I manage to spot the bar, you would never had guessed it was there. The modern black paint with the name scrawled in lime green writing gives away nothing, I open the heavy black door and it's like a whole new world inside.

Holy crap.

Lime green lights surround the bar and dark wood tables are dispersed around the main area of the club, there is a stage lit up in the far right corner as well as a balcony surrounding the edges of the club above me.

It takes me a moment to gather my thoughts. I see a couple of people who I assume must be barmen drying glasses and a man and a very extravently dressed woman on the stage. I walk up to the bar, feeling a little underdressed.

The guy at the bar looks up; he smiles at me and runs his fingers through his quaffed blonde hair, his green eyes crinkle.

"Can I help you?" He looks at me.

"Yes." I give a cough "I saw a vacancy in the paper, I was just wondering if you were still employing?"

He puts down the glass. "Yes, as a matter of fact we are, my name is Jude and I am I guess now your colleague, I just need to go speak to Martin over there but welcome to the team." He raises his hand and slaps my back. "I think you are going to like it here."

I perch on a bar stall while Jude goes over to speak to the man on the stage. I see his look over and give me a once over, I try and fix my hair and smooth my fringe out of my face, I give a smile but decide not to look to keen, for god's sake Daniel, pull yourself together.

Jude walks back over with what looks to be a uniform.

"Welcome to the team buddy, what is your name sorry?"

"Oh shit sorry." I cover my mouth, I can feel my cheeks burning. "Daniel, erm Dan."

"Well just go put the uniform on and you can get started right away." He gives a smile and goes back to drying up the glasses.

I walk over to what looks like a changing room when I see him walk in. It's the boy from the tube. The most handsomest guy I have ever seen, It's definitely him, his blue eyes shining under the green flickering lights.

He smiles at me and walks over.

"You the new guy?" He gives a laugh "Phil." He smiles.

"Dan." A confident smile is placed on my lips.


	2. Chapter 2

I have spent more of my evening sitting at the bar and filling out paperwork, I guess I saw it coming , I mean I wasn't just going to start work straight away, I need to write down what ever crap they need to know about me.

I can feel the bar start to fill up, the green lights dim and people are starting to sit down at the bar tables around the floor, I mean this isn't an ordinary bar, it's higher class, I had a look at the menu earlier and I could buy 5 really nice margaritas for the price of their 'sharp taste with vintage tequila' margarita sensation' like seriously It better be bloody good to charge that extortionate amount.

I have gotten distracted from filling out the forms, it's so much work, and I must say I am crap at getting down and doing work, this is why my university life fell apart. No I have been watching the barmen, the way they move around so swiftly twisting and pouring drinks, finishing them off with style and flair, I am really hoping I am a natural at this because the only trick I could possibly do is juggle, but I hold no one responsible for what might happen.

My eyes have been scanning the room all evening for that boy: Phil. But since I saw him earlier, I have no clue where he is. I put down my pen and sigh.

"You done Dan?" I hear a voice and look up. It's Jude.

"Yes, I think so." I hand him the forms and he quickly scans them. "That looks ok." He smiles.

"Jude, Jude come over here for a second." I look over and see a pretty girl calling his name, from the corner of the room, she is in uniform so she must work here.

"Just one second Dan." he says before going over to her side. I can hear them talking about being short staffed tonight or something. He says something to her and she frowns. He walks back over to the bar.

"Sorry did you say you were short staffed tonight?" I bite my lip. "I could start tonight if you wanted? I mean I am here and it would be good just for the experience."

"Really!" His green eyes light up. "Claud." He shouts over to the girl. "We got someone." I can see a smile appear on her lips. She walks over and I focus on her face, she is actually really pretty, cornflower blue eyes and coffee brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. "This is Dan." Jude gestures at me.

She eyes my up and down and finally breaks into a little laugh. "Claudia." She gets a notepad out from her blouse. "Here you can go take some orders, you start right now."

I spend the rest of the night collecting orders and carrying large trays with piles of glasses, it's chaos, but I love it, the club is alive with thumping music and people are laughing. I dump down another tray full of empty glasses at the bar. I take another look around the club; the stage is now lit up with a single spotlight, I hear a faint beat of a drum and then slowly a figure descends down a pole.

Holy shit.

It isn't is it?

It's a girl, she is dressed in a sailor outfit, her hair is curled and her eyes are vibrant blue, she wears a cropped top made of rope and blue and white skirt, the captain's hat is placed precisely on her head.

The music starts to build up and suddenly she drops from the pole and lands in the splits on the floor, the drum beat intensifies and candy man starts to thump through the speaker, 4 more girls dressed in sailor outfits spring up on stage and start pumping and grinding, swishing hair and kicking legs. The customers around the club are loving it, shouting out and tossing money up onto the stage.

I can't say I am not turned on by this.

The song comes to an end and I realise I have been staring at the stage for too long, I must look like a complete idiot watching with a tray of glasses in my hand.

I pick up the tray of fresh cocktails hastily and start to walk over to the big booth surrounding one of the walls, the group of guys love it, it seems, I place the drinks on the table and pick up the empty glasses from around them. Shit this tray is heavy; my arm is under so much strain right now.

"Here let me help you." A man places another glass on top of the giant circular tray; I feel my arm giving under the sheer weight of it. I manage to stumble away and weave in and out of tables but I dump the tray with such force at the bar, the tray tips over and about half of the glasses tumble to the floor.

Fuck.

It's one of those slow motion moments, but instead of trying to grab them I just stand there and watch them fall; Like a bloody plank of wood.

Suddenly I see a tray reach out in front of the glasses, somehow I some fucking matrix mode the glasses roll onto the tray, preventing shattering and my embarrassment. I reach out to grab the tray and my hands lock with the holder.

I look up and see two blue eyes staring me in the face. He wipes his black hair out of his forehead and gives a laugh.

"Saved your life there." He smiles. He places the tray carefully on the bar.

"Thank you so much." I stutter. I brush the hair out of my face.

"Dan right?" He gives a laugh "Don't worry after a while you will be a pro at tray transportation, I mean I was perfect from the start so."

I smile "That makes me feel so much better."

"Hey, erm when does your shift end? Closing?" He says pulling out his phone.

"I think so, why?" Please, Please don't invite me to a club.

"I was wondering if you wanted to get something to eat, I know this cool place down street." He smiles.

"I would love that aha." I give a laugh "I thought you were going to invite me to a club."

"God no!" He laughs, "I have to be up at 6."

"Ok, so um see you at closing."

"Totally."

I get back to taking orders until the customers start draining out, the burlesque (as I was informed by Jude) carries on until there are only a small dribble of people left at the bar. I move into the stock room and can't help taking a swig of tequila from a left over shot glass. Like come on it was only going to get thrown out.

I hear a laughing coming from the doorway; I look up and see Phil. His long limbs spread across the wood.

"That is my trick, no stealing the leftovers new boy."

He walks over and takes a spare shot from the tray.

He spits it out and pulls an exaggerated face.

"Shit, is that vodka?"

I can't help laughing. "Yes."

"Let's go Claud says we can leave."

He grabs his coat from under the bar. I suddenly feel a bit cold.

"You didn't bring a jacket to work in the freezing cold which is London in the winter."

I shake my head.

He laughs "You muppet."

The air outside is freezing, the sky is black and the stars highlight the moons light.

We walk down the street and Phil leads me into a Chinese.

"You like spicy stuff?" I nod.

He hands me a steamy pot of noodles, and we walk back out into the winter air, I love the way he looks at me, he makes me feel warm and fluttery inside. His eyes could thaw ice.

We walk along to sidewalk and look at the shops lit up at night, the trees are strung with lights, it really is a whole world away from Reading.

"So what made you come to OHSO?, It's not exactly a destination." He laughs.

"I needed a job, tequila and tumblr can only get you so far." I give a smirk.

"I completely agree."

He stops walking and looks into my eyes, I feel the noodles warming up my hands. He reaches out his hand and grazes my shoulder.

"Sorry." He says, as he places the noodle cartoon in the trash bin.

Fuck, I thought he was going to kiss me.

"This has been nice." I quickly stutter, "See you tomorrow?" I hastily run away from him, I hope he can't see my cheeks, I can feel them flush scarlett.

I look back and his face looks puzzled, I turn round the street corner and rest against the wall.

Why do I have feelings for him, seriously I only just met him.


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the week passed in a flurry, I was loving it; I loved the feeling of waking up in my crummy apartment and having a reason to roll out of bed: sure it was a little earlier than I was used to but I was excited.

Shit, shit. I my alarm didn't go off. I look over again to reassure myself but sure enough it said 8:00, oh crap I was needed at the bar at 8:30 and I couldn't get there for that time if I tried. I jump out of bed and put on my straighteners, I run to the shower room located on my floor: I turn the shower on and the hot water expected is stone cold. Fuck, why this does happen to me. The other girl on my floor must have used it all already. I quickly wash my hair and shudder when the cold water runs down my naked body. I reach out of the shower door for my towel. For fucks sake, where is it.

Great. No towel. I can just tell what today is going to be like. I turn the water off and contemplate what I should do. I am completely naked, but there is only a small chance that anyone will be around since I only share this floor with a girl and I heard her go out when I was collecting the paper.

Right I am going for it.

I sprint out of the shower and open the door, I hurry down the corridor and grab swing open my apartment door when- I hear footsteps, shit, shit, jam the key into the lock, open door you better bloody open, I put the handle and push, my heart thumping under my chest, my hair is dripping wet and am leaving a puddle of water right where I am standing. Fuck my life.

The door swings open and I stumble inside, whoever was coming up the stairs has stopped and I am leaning against the wall breathing hard.

My eyes close for a moment, what has even gone right today, I hear the phone ring, I stand there naked not really sure if I should pick it up or not. It goes to answer phone.

Hi this is Dan, Please leave a message, I promise I will get back to you. Byee.

"Hi Dan, this is Phil from work, I just want to let you know that you left your jacket here so um yes."

There is an awkward silence, I can hear him breathing.

"I just want to know if you are ok, I haven't spoken to you since you ran off on Tuesday, I just wanted to make sure everything is fine, so um ring me back at 08282 28321, bye."

I am left standing there, I can just picture him now, but I push thoughts of him liking me out of my head. I still feel so fucking stupid.

It takes me a couple of minutes to get dressed, my straighteners were left on to long so they cut out. I guess it will have to be curly hair today, let's just make Dan even more miserable than he is already.

I throw on my black skinny jeans (now washed) and an old black polo. I put my phone in my pocket and slip my feet into my black converses.

It feels so warm outside today, no need for my jacket, the sun is up and the sky is blue, I stride along the pavement looking across the water and over the other side is the London eye, the apartment is crap on the inside, I think the money that does go towards rent is just paying for the view I have.

But I love the freedom. I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone; I stick my headphones in my ears and select a random song.

I smile, Muse starts to drum through into my ears, I could sing, but I figure now I am meant to be a proper Londoner, lip syncing will have to do.

Starbucks.

I can't help but going in, the aroma of freshly ground coffee and cinnamon overcomes me, I join the queue and subconsciously start to play piano on the counter: I guess you could call it a passion, bit I am too easily distracted, I love music but I don't have the concentration.

'Daniel is a smart boy: but he needs to focus on his work not the new guitar hero.'

'Daniel is a clever boy but could put more effort into subjects.'

"Hi, can I take your order?" I suddenly come out of my trance.

"Oh sorry, um a gingerbread latte please." I fucking love Christmas drinks.

"Sure, that will be £4.80 please."

"Here." I pull out a note from my wallet and hand it to her. I walk back and wait for my order, supremacy starts to play and again absent mindedly I start drumming on the spare table.

I hear a laugh and look up, I wipe the curls out of my face.

"Hi." He smiles. He looks attractive, he wears a Christmas style jumper coloured with red, and his eyes are just as blue as before.

I pull a headphone out of my ear and smile.

"Hi, aren't you meant to be at work?"

"I could say the same for you." He pushes the hair out of him face. "You are collecting the coffee orders with me and anyway we open late on Friday's."

"I can go along with that story." I smile.

"Dan Howell?" I hear the girl say.

I walk forward an grab the cup, it's warm and the smell overwhelms me.

"What did you get?"

"Gingerbread Latte, it's orgasmic."

"Wow, you have great taste!" He grabs a tray of coffee's and swings his bag onto his back.

We walk out of the shop and into the London sunshine; it suddenly dawns on me Phil must live round here.

"So you live in central London then?" I sip my latte and switch to Panic! At the disco on my phone. I gesture and hand him a head phone. He slips it in his ear and gives a smile.

"Panic, nice choice." He looks at me and suddenly breaks into really bad song "WOAH MONA LISA." He jumps up on to a nearby bench and starts belting out the words; I grab his hand and pull him down. I can't help staring into his eyes, fuck Dan, stop it.

I can't help laughing even though I try and cover my mouth.

Regaining his composure "I live in Soho but I was down here talking to some guy about menu design." He says still laughing "You must live near, huh?"

"Yes I do, just down this street."

"You live with anyone?"

"No, all by myself." I drain the last drop from my cup and aim at a trash bin. I can't believe it but it actually goes in.

"Score!" Phil shouts and runs to hug me, I accept and cheer with him, his body is warm and invading and I feel so safe wrapped in his arms, I unwillingly release.

We ride the tube to work and arrive at the bar just half an hour late, and besides who says I was late, I was getting coffee. I dump my bag down under the bar and start polishing the martini glasses ready for service, it's quite therapeutic and anyway I have arcade fire blaring out into my ears.

"Phil?"

"Coming, be right back ok?" He turns to me.

I nod and continue to clean the glasses, after about 10 minutes I have gotten distracted by the giant piano sitting in the middle of the stage, the bar lights are dim and the stage is lightly lighten up. I place the glass on the side and walk over to the stage.

Curiosity over comes me and it reach out and run my finger across the smooth black surface, I place my finger on a key and press down gently, it sounds perfect. I can't help myself. I sit down on the dark wooden stool and place my hands on the keys.

I start to play.

Music overcomes me, it brings back memories of home and the summer I spent learning to play. The melody and chords blend together and it seems subconsciously I remember this song. It comes back to me vividly, the song relates to me. I carry on playing the strong chords and moving my hands up and down the keys, I can feel the emotion overtaking me and I feel a sudden tear roll down my cheek. I start to press harder on the keys, thumping down and more tears flood from my eyes. I carry on through the tears putting my heart into every key, it feels like a million punches every time I press down, I choke through my emotions and still carry on playing.

"And I would have stayed up with you all night"

A melodious tone blends with my music.

I look up my hair falls in front of my face. I give a shy smile.

"Had I known how to save a life"


	4. Chapter 4

I am bi. I always have been. I don't see anything wrong with that. I mean I like boys and girls, there is nothing wrong with that. I have never had a boyfriend. Only a girlfriend. I want one though, I know I want Phil.

I am finishing off my Friday shift, tonight I was allowed to shadow behind the bar, not making cocktails, apparently they think I am a liability, I have a right to believe them. It's really busy tonight, there is a party in the corner and plenty of dates snuggled up to each other in the booths. People chat lively at the bar.

The pianist plays the piano, but I long to be sitting there, thumping my hands down on the keys, making music flood the room. My heart swells just thinking about it. I try and push it aside and get back to serving the drinks.

By the time everyone has left the bar it's past one. It is exhausting but this week has been amazing. I carry on wiping the glasses and stacking limes under the bar.

"Once your done Dan, could you lock up." I look over and see Jude putting on his jacket.

"Sure." I smile "See you tomorrow."

He closes the door behind him and I give a sigh. I hear silence, I consider just leaving now but I should probably pack away the rest of this fruit. It's strange being here alone, the green lights are warm and the stage light is stills shining brightly.

I finish packing up the fruit and get out from behind the bar. I pull my jacket on and walk up onto the stage, the black piano silently calls my name. I yawn, not tonight. I need sleep.

Shit, where are the light switches, I have no clue. I should have asked instead of stumbling round like a clueless idiot.

Shit, Shit, Shit.

I flick a switch on the wall and nothing happens, what the fuck. I hit the switch and suddenly the light becomes seriously bright, and then I hear the sparking sound and everything goes pitch black.

"Fuck."

I shuffle around to the stage and try and turn the other set of lights on. Fuck, fuck, fuckedy fuck. I think I have blown all the lights in this whole bar.

I just stand there for 5 minutes, I can't leave, I can't fix what I caused and there is no one round to help. Oh and it's 2 in the morning.

I sit down the edge of the stage, I flick my phone out of my bag and use the screen as a torch. I hear a muffle. I immediately jump up.

I can feel my pule begin to raise. I can hear the creaking of my footsteps move across the silent room. The darkness does not help.

I get further near the cooler room, I can now hear the muffled sound, and it's a painful sharp cry. It makes my heart beat faster. It could be anyone.

The crying continues, it gets louder and each scream sounds more painful than the last.

I open the cooler door. I take a step back. The floor is in a red sea of blood, it spreads out and sitting right in the middle is Phil.

I can see the cut's on his arm, It makes me cry. It draws out all the emotions and memories, it pulls them right back and brings it into focus. I have been here. I have sat in this pool of blood.

Before I can do something I can see his eyes closing. I slide down and grab him, his body is limp and cold, I get blood on my jeans, I get rich sticky blood in my hair. But I don't care.

The tears fall and I see my body begin to tremble. I can't summon words so instead I stroke his hair and peel back his jacket. The cuts are deep. The blood is still pumping out, the colour darkens, I was never very good at biology but I think this means it's pretty serious.

"Phil, Phil." I scream at his face. "Phil, look at me, Phil look, look, fucking look at my face." My lip quivers.

I see the knife laying by his side, the freezer floor is covered, everywhere is covered in the sticky substance, the air around tastes like iron.

I get out my mobile and as quickly as possible phone an ambulance, my fingers don't cooperate, the shake and I cry, tears pour down my face, landing on his unresponsive body.

I stumble out my words and give them the address, they tell me to try and keep him responsive and to keep calm.

Keep fucking calm.

"Phil, Phil Phil…." I tail off and rest my head on his body, I sob uncontrollably, I have been here, and that's the thing. What must he have been feeling like to do this to himself?

The dark place in which he felt it was needed to end it all.

The blood soaks through my jeans, my arms become sticky but I still continue to stroke his hair, I don't know why but it makes me feel a bit better.

But I can feel my heart slowly shattering into a million pieces.

10 minutes.

15 minutes.

20 minutes.

The ambulance doesn't arrive and all I can feel is Phil slowly slipping away from me.

I lie down next to him. I put my arms around his, my tears stream down my face, my lungs are burning.

I open my mouth and out come all my feelings, all my thoughts; I whisper everything into his ear.

I don't care if he can hear or not. I don't see how he can feel so far away even though he is so close.

I tell him about my feelings.

I tell him I love his hair, I love his voice, I love the way he walks, I love the way he sings out of tune, I love the way he laughs, I love the way his hair falls in front of his face.

I tell him that I love him.


	5. Chapter 5

I was told to go home as they took him away; I said I would be fine.

I am the complete opposite.

I am lying in the pool of blood; in one way I wish it was my own. I wish I was in that ambulance and Phil was alive.

I just need him to be ok.

My eyes eventually become heavy and I wrap my bloody arms around my chest. My body feels frozen and I drift into an uneasy and dark sleep.

I can see light streaming through the cooler door, I wipe my eyes with my hands and feel my skin caked in dried blood, the floor is a mess, sticky and ruby red. I want to continue lying though, by lying in Phil's blood I feel closer to him.

I don't want to open my eyes, I want to block out the light: I can't believe just yesterday I was walking along a street with him, everything was so perfect. Now I feel like someone has ripped something from underneath me, and I can't focus.

I can't focus, the colours around me blur and I feel heavy, I look down at my body and seeing it coated in blood makes me quiver, I try and get up but I feel like I am slipping in and out of consciousness.

My lids keep closing but I struggle to open them, eventually I fall back into a sleep full of nightmares and horror. I dream of being a child. I dream of what I felt like before I cut.

I remember sitting cross legged on the floor in my room. My parents were out somewhere and I had the house to myself. I got the biggest kitchen knife I could find and ran up to my room. I locked the door and sat down. I started to cry, not out loud but I could feel my insides screaming. I was holding so much pain. I was 15. I was 15 and bisexual.

I reached for the knife and gripped it as tightly in my hand as possible. I could hear myself breathing hard. I closed my eyes and tears slid down my face I swiped the knife across my arm. I had never felt anything like it before. I felt as if the open cut was letting emotions spill out, I just watched. I just watched the blood flow. I felt calm and in a state of serenity.

The blood spilt out onto the carpet, it stained my new jeans, the tears still flowed down my face, I started to gasp, I felt lightheaded and slowly felt backwards. I stared up at the light and I believed that light would lead me to a happier place.

I closed my eyes and laid my arm out on the floor, the knife sled out from my grip.

I woke up.

I woke up still in my room. I woke up and looked at my arm. It wasn't bleeding anymore but I still felt relieved. I felt happy for the first time in quite a while.

After that the knife stayed in my chest of draws, I began to wear long tee shirts and jumpers, covering my arms, I didn't do p.e. I sat on the side and listened to my chemical romance. I got home early some days and got out my knife. I felt the familiar feeling of relief and the blood gently flowing against my skin. I shuddered sometimes but it was ok. I was ok.

I let the knife burn deeper into my tissue paper skin, I felt relief and in control. I was in control of the knife, or so I thought.

No one ever found out, I never told a soul. It was a dark part of my life. I still have scars on arms, artistic lines and shapes, that still look at me when I shower or roll up my sleeves. I am not ashamed of my sexuality anymore; they were people that had no idea about anything, I didn't want to fall for Phil just because I don't know how he feels about me, I know he likes me.

For fucks sake Dan, don't think about yourself.

I long to tell Phil.

I long to know what made him feel that way, why suicide was his only answer.

I peel back my sleeves and look at the scars, they look scary, but to me they gave me hope and these scars have not made me a better person, but made me the person I am today.

I don't look at them often, they just remind me, but I think I owe it to Phil, to truly think about what I did, and think about all the emotions I faced. The deep thought process that I went through before deciding I needed to do something.

In a way looking at these scars is making me feel bad. I want to feel bad. Deep down I know that I could have saved Phil. I could have got there before the knife buried under his skin, I could have spoken to him and he could have told me what he was feeling instead of letting those emotions run free with blood.

I want to be punished.

And I think Phil dying would be that punishment.

A punishment that I could only handle by joining him.


	6. Chapter 6

"Dan, Dan, Dan." I hear shouting, I open my heavy eyelids.

Jude is towering above me, I focus and remember where I am, still lying on the coolor floor. I must look a sight, coated all over in dry blood, tears have made my eyes puffy and I have a knife lying beside me, I must look like a cannibal.

"Dan, speak to me." He waves his hand over my eyes.

"Phil." I croak "Phil." I sit up and suddenly my head feels really heavy.

Jude grabs me and helps me up; he carries me into the bar and sits me down on a stool.

"Are you ok?" He looks at my face.

"Phil, Phil" I mutter his name, still feeling lightheaded. My head starts to fall forwards.

"Dan, I need to make sure you are ok." He shouts, it startles me, I suddenly start to focus.

I consider telling the truth for a moment, but I know that he probably doesn't want anyone to know about what happened. I am crap a lying so I will try to be vague for Phil's sake.

"Phil had an accident with the knife last night and um I called the ambulance, I am phobic of blood so I passed out after the ambulance had erm, taken him away."

Jude fills a glass full of water and tells me to down it, he also gives me so asprin. Shit, shit tablets.

I don't want to tell him but I can't take pills without something to eat straight after. Shit.

I drink some water and I see his eyes burning into mine, he looks at the asprin sitting on the bar.

"Take the pills, it will really help Dan." He gestures.

"Look, is someone trying to get in the door?" He turns to the door and I quickly shove the pills in my pocket. I take a massive gulp of water and he turns back.

"They should make you feel much better."

"What?"

"The pills you just took."

Crap, "Yes."

I look down at my hands, they look like a murders.

"I think I am going to go clean up in the cooler." I get up from my stool. I suddenly feel lightheaded again and begin to fall but rest my hand on the stool.

"Don't worry Dan, just go home and take the night off." He rests a hand on my shoulder.

"Really?" I look round at him.

"Yes, you need to rest, and clean up your face, you look like a vampire." He laughs. "Will you be ok getting back?"

"I think so, thanks Jude."

"No problem, just be in tomorrow ok?"

I grab my jacket and leave the bar, the outside air is hot against my cold cheeks, I feel like all the life has drained out of me.

I suddenly look over and see people whispering to each other, some stop and stare and other bust out laughing.

I look down at my jeans, my shirt, my hands and I am caked head to toe in Phil's blood. I must look like such a freak. I can feel my cheeks start to burn. I can only imagine what my face must look like; I can feel my hair is hard and sticky with the substance.

I quickly put the hood over my face and do up my jacket. I walk in the shadows and as swiftly as possible get to the tube station.

My mind flicks back to Phil's face just before he became unconscious, the image is so scarring and cold it won't leave my thoughts, I don't know if it was his dead expression or the arm pumping with blood, reaching out for my assistance, but I know that my destination is not my apartment.

I run out of the station and begin to pound down the Soho streets, my hood falls down but I don't care, I carry on running, I can see people stop and stare, but I don't care. My face is scrunched up in effort, my feet still carry on pacing through the alley ways, I can feel my heart beating faster but my pace increases. Tears begin to spring from my newly dry eyes, I can feel them against my flushed cheeks.

People carry on gasping, they carry on whispering, and they carry on pointing.

I carry on running.

I reach my destination. I run into the hospital and pace until I reach the desk, I look around. I know I must look unstable, but I have to get to him, I have to find Phil.

"Phil" I scream.

A nurse looks over and run towards me.

"Phil." I run past them through the double doors.

"Phil." Tears are streaming down my face and my lungs are burning. I am exhausted.

Suddenly I feel a wave come over me, I crumple onto the floor. Screaming and stammering.

"PHIL."

A nurse runs towards me and grabs me.

I struggle away from her grip and try to get up, I can feel my eyes closing, and I can feel my head rolling back.

"PHIL."

And then I black out.


	7. Chapter 7

I was let out of hospital the next morning, as that night I was registered as a patient.

I was declared sane by the doctor and they phoned Jude saying how I need to take today off. They got me a taxi back to my apartment and that is why I am here. Just lying in my bed.

I changed out of my clothes, I left them in a pile by the door, and I am now dressed in a baggy shirt and shorts. I had a cold shower, I cursed when the cold water ran down my body, the blood washed away down the drain, a stream of red scrubbed off my skin.

The nurse told me Phil was ok when I woke up from my sleep. There were tubes attached to my nose and I could feel a plaster on my skin where they must have injected something into me.

But the only words I heard when she was telling me about my condition was that Phil was ok. She said that I was in shock from what I saw previously with Phil. I think the hospital knows about Phil and the knife. I think he has to stay in hospital for a couple more days. I think I need to stay in bed for a couple more days but Jude insisted I came in tonight.

I can spend these hours just lying here, the sunlight can stream in from the tiny prison box window I have and I can look at the ceiling, I can trace the creases in my duvet with my finger and I can think about anything know I know he is going to be ok.

I can't sleep so I walk to work. It's three in the morning and everywhere is dead. The air is cold and the sky is dark, the trees have fresh green leaves on them, rustling in the wind. I catch the tube quickly, only a few people are there, just checking their phones and one girl is hastily putting on her makeup.

I just feel lifeless, I am surrounded by motion and life, yet I am so lacking.

Everyone gets off and I am left there. The tube quickly takes me to Soho. Silence surrounds me and no soul is around. I walk down the street and into the bar. I sit behind the stool and rest my head down on the wooden surface, I surround myself with my hands and block out the world.

Everything is so confused at the moment. I feel as if my life was finally coming together, I finally had something secure to hold onto, but I feel like everything is shadowed in darkness. I feel like I am 15 again. I am insecure and alone, and I can't do anything about it.

I eventually get up and take the trash bags out, the outside air is still chilling but rain starts to pour through the clouds, the sky is still jet black. I curse as I try and find the bins, my arm buckles and a bag crashes to the floor.

Shit, shit.

I dump the bags and turn round to pick up the trash from the floor. The rain still streams down, my tee shirt now sodden with cold water.

I can sense someone. I look up and my eyes land on someone I was not expecting to see.

He is soaking wet as well. He looks good, his eyes shining again under the street lamp. His hair is back to its glossy straight ways.

"Here." He looks down at me and passes me the remaining trash bag.

"Thanks." I whisper.

I rise from the ground and he grazes my shoulder. I feel a sudden burst of heat flush through my body, I feel as if an electric current has awakened me from a deep sleep. I stare into his eyes, the bright blue glares into my pupils.

I take a deep breath and wrap my arms around his neck, he doesn't object and grabs my waist with his, I fall back against the stone wall, I reach towards him and place my lips on his, warmth spreads through me, I give a smile and I look at his eyes and they seem so warm and enchanting. He reaches in this time.

I taste his mouth and take in everything, my senses are alert. I can feel his tongue reaching down my throat and I shudder. I slam my hands against the wall, the rain runs down my face, but we carry on kissing, it's contagious, it's like burning fire.

I grab his groin and pull it towards me, I can feel myself letting go the longer the kiss lasts, It was unexpected, I didn't know he felt that way about me, he grabs my hair and I continue to taste him. The rain is now pounding down and my hair is wet and curly, I don't give a shit.

"Keep going" I shout's in ecstasy.

I grab his shirt and pull it over his head, I feel my hands all over his bare chest, he jolts back at the coldness but I feel him shuddering with pleasure. He rips the shirt off my back, and I continue to grab at his groin, he thrusts and I shout. I slam back against the wall and continue to throb with emotion, that emotion being euphoria.

I release and wipe my mouth with my shirt; I give a smile and look at him, the rain falls in between us.

"I love you." The words burst out of my mouth.

He looks at me and wipes the hair out of my face; he reaches for my waist and pulls me closer. He bends his neck and faintly whispers into my ear.

"I love you too."


	8. Chapter 8

I am currently pouring myself a drink, but my mind is just replaying what just happened outside. I felt so much raw emotion and I want more, I want to feel Phil again. I also have such a desire to know what happened; but I know what it feels likes, Phil can tell me when he wants and he might not even want to share it with me.

"Dan, come here."

I walk out and look into the store room, I see a bare chest. Creamy white skin contrasts against his almost dark blue hair. He looks around and smiles at me.

"I have your shirt, it's dry." He throws the shirt at me. Then walks out of the room.

I can't help looking at his arms as he walks past; they have gotten better since I saw them last, but his milky skin leads to ugly red lines, dark crimson and ruby red.

I peel of my own jacket, and glance at my own arms, the skin is darker than Phil's. I am tanned, but the lines are still the same, even though they are fainter. The crimson is still there, the pain is still there just hidden under a layer of paper thin skin.

For a moment I just stare out the window, the sun is rising now, the sky is a burnt orange, and the trees are glistening and swaying in the morning breeze. The rain has now stopped and made way for a day that shows signs of warmth.

"Dan." I feel arms wrap around my waist. I can feel the sun rise and streak in the windows.

He reaches out and holds my arm next to his.

The scars are parallel to one another.

His much deeper than mine.

But the pain behind both is the same.

I feel so calm and relaxed.

No one has ever seen these scars, people have heard me talk about a dark part of my life, however no one has ever had the courage to ask me about them.

"Why." I whisper into his ear. I feel his skin warm mine.

"I felt like there was no one, I felt like there was no one to help me, there was any point to life." He moves away from me and looks into my eyes.

"But then I heard you."

Tears roll down his cheek.

"I thought that there was no point in loving someone, I thought no one would ever think I was worth something. But I heard you and.."

He wipes his tears.

"You sounded different than anyone else; you sounded like you actually cared."

More tears fall from his big blue eyes. He gulps.

"No one has ever cared about me, and I guess, I thought stupidly, that there was no point of living since life had no value to it. When I heard you say that you loved me."

He pauses and looks down at the floor.

"I felt that I had simply found something that was worth living for."

The tears carry on falling out of his eyes, I walk forward and grab him, I clutch my arms around his body, I smooth his hair down and reach out for his arm touch the cut. He jots back but still stays in my arms.

He touches my arm. I shiver even though it happened a long time ago, this is a big step for me, I am usually never good at opening up to people, I might seem quite confident, but in reality I am about as insecure as you can be.

I slide down and lay on the floor, we make a camp out of sheets and cloths, it feels like we are 5 years old again, making a house. I lay under the sheets with my arms still firmly wrapped around him, our chests are still bare.

He looks down at my arm.

"What happened?" He whispers in my ear.

I tell him everything, I open up and tell him about how I am bisexual and how that made me feel, I tell him how I felt and how little confidence I have.

I tell him about the cutting, I tell him everything, the tears roll down both our cheeks.

But inside, I feel relieved, it feels good to have confided in someone I have so much trust in, it feels amazing how much better sharing an experience such as self-harm can heal yourself and I think that Phil is feeling the same mix of emotions.

We stay in each other's arms as the sun comes up, the warmth beams through the window, as I rest my head on Phil's chest. He rubs my scars until they don't hurt anymore.

I want to spend all day lying here with him.

"Let's go." I look over at him.

"What?"

"Let's have the day off."

"What?" He smiles.

"It's called having fun stupid." I laugh.

"But work.."

"But you are meant to be in hospital, not at work."

"Ok, where do you want to go?" He gets up and pulls his shirt over his head.

"I haven't been on the London eye yet."

He gasps "SERIOUSLY DAN, you live in London and you haven't done that yet." He laughs and pulls me up from the floor. "We are going and there is nothing that can stop us."

I pull my shirt over my head and grab my jacket, he pulls my hand and we walk out into the early hours of London, the trees are a vibrant green and the sky is a pale blue.

Suddenly I can't wait to start exploring.

I can't wait to start exploring my new life.

I can't wait to start exploring my new life with Phil.


	9. Chapter 9

I have never felt so happy.

I have spent the morning travelling round London with Phil and at the moment nothing can spoil this moment. The weather is perfect and I have no fear about anything. We spent hours on a big London tour bus, just riding round London and taking in all the sights, I have been taking pictures like and excited tourist, snapping whenever I get the chance, and yes there are selfies on my camera.

"I can't believe you have never been sightseeing before." Phil walks next to me.

"I haven't had the time."

"I understand, tumblr and watching death note is certainly more important than exploring where you live." He laughs.

"Totally." I smirk. "Starbucks?" I look at the coffee shop.

"Yes, I will wait out here, I want to take some photos for my blog." He smiles, "Caramel latte please."

I smile at him and walk into the shop, the smell of freshly ground beans overwhelms me, this place has got to be one of my favourite places in the world.

"One cinnamon and one caramel latte please."

I hand over the money and stand back and look outside the big window. The trees line the river and the sun is shining down. People are milling around but my eyes are focused on Phil: he is concentrating, taking pictures of the river but there is such a sweet expression on his face that it just makes my heart melt.

I take the coffees and head outside, I locate Phil and begin to walk towards him, I tap him on the back and quickly decide to hide behind a tree trunk.

"What?" He looks round. The confused expression on his face is priceless; I can't help laugher spilling out.

"Dan, I hate you." He laughs, lightly punching my arm.

I hand him the coffee.

"Thanks." He places his camera into his bag.

"Could I have a look at your photos?"

He looks surprised but pulls the camera out of his bag and hands it to me.

I turn it on and start looking through, I gasp, they are amazing. I don't know what I was expecting but he is so good at capturing light and the angles he has chosen to take are so interesting and unlike anything I have seen, London is captured in so many different ways.

"These are fucking amazing."

"No they're not." He pushes his hair in his face defensively.

I stop and walk in front of him. I grab his shoulders and shake them.

"Phil, these are incredible."

He gives a smile. I wipe his hair out of his face.

"I know, but it's not exactly going to happen for me is it.?"

"So you think they are good."

He looks at me. "yes." He whispers.

"Hold this." I give him my coffee.

Without any thought I run up to a woman walking past.

"Sorry madam but do you think these pictures are good?" I look at her in the eye, and try and smile as much as my mouth will let me.

She looks at the view finder. "Who did these?"

I point back at Phil. He is bright red and his palm is covering his face in despair. "He is so talented, but doesn't think his work is good enough."

She gives a little laugh. "Well tell your friend I think he is greatly talented, and as an art teacher myself, think he has real style."

"Well thank you for your time." I smile at her and reach out my hand, "I will tell him now."

I bounce back to Phil with the camera. I shake him.

"Phil, Phil, Phil, she loved them, and she was an art teacher, so I suggest you do something about these photos, because I could never do anything that good, they are fucking amazing."

He removes his hand from his face and sighs, "maybe, ok." He smiles and hands me my coffee. "Satisfied?"

"Yes." I squeeze his hand and continue to walk along the street.

We reach the London eye and Phil smiles at me.

"Ready to explore London from above?"

"Have you been here before."

He stares at me and raises his hand to his mouth, I see him laughing.

"Have you Phil? Have you experienced the area you live in?"

"Yes." He laughs and bites his lip.

"Liar." I laugh.

"No." He takes my hand and pulls me into the queue.

I don't mind the long queue; I have someone truly interesting to talk to. I haven't been this interested to know all about a single person before. I want to hear everything and take everything in. I hope he wants to know little details about me.

Like I hate raisins and adore the taste of calpol.

Little things like that.

"How many?" An attendant asks me.

"2"

I hand over the money and step over to the side, Phil joins me.

"I am actually quite nervous." Phil whispers into my ear.

"Why?" I reach for his hand.

"Heights."

"But it was you who suggested this, you muffin." I punch him on the shoulder.

He laughs, "Well I thought I would be ok."

The door of the pod opens and people start to walk on, little kids with their grandparents, mothers with their children. The atmosphere is so happy and upbeat.

Like a child Phil runs on and rests his fingers on the glass, the doors close and slowly we are raised from the ground.

The sun shines in and I can't help looking at his expression.

The innocence; the excitement in his eyes.

Everyone starts to flock to the other side of the pod to watch some river boat, we are left alone.

I rest my head on his shoulder and watch the sun slowly descending, the sky is a peachy orange, the clouds are high in the sky and the trees are letting the light stream through.

His big blue eyes are lightened up, he parts his lips and turns to face me.

I look at his and bite my lip.

I don't know what to say.

He knows what to do.

He reaches in and kisses me.

I don't object.

His mouth is perfect.

I wrap my arms around his waist and kiss him back.


	10. Chapter 10

_**I just want to say thank you for all the kind reviews, the follows and favs, I also want to say that I have changed the rating of this fic to an M due to what this chapter contains. Thank you everyone!**_

* * *

"My apartment, it's not much and it's really a prison cell, but it is my home for now." I unlock the door and walk inside.

"It's cleaner than my apartment." Phil laughs "But then you have ocd."

"Shut up." I smile. "You want some tequila?"

"What else."

I stumble into the kitchen. Ok I might be a tiny bit drunk, but that's ok.

"Shit." I gasp. I walked into the table. Shit, fuck, balls, that hurt.

I grab the bottle and try and find some glasses. Where have they gone? Bloody glasses, I just need something to drink out of.

Coffee mugs.

Great.

How sexual Daniel.

Drinking tequila out of coffee mugs.

What a slut.

I walk into the living area, "Phil? I got it."

I can't see anything, and I have no clue where he has gone. But then I feel him.

Two warm arms wrap around my waist, I feel his breath on my skin. He leans round and plants kisses on my neck.

Screw this.

I drop the tequila and the mugs. I take his waist and push him against the wall.

He knows what I want. I know what he wants.

I thrust my tongue down his mouth, I might be a bit drunk but I can feel the rawness, I can feel that he means everything. I certainly give out kisses because I want him to know how much I like him. But also because there is really no kidding anyone that I love sex. We continue to shove our tongues down each other's throats; I push the door open; he slams it behind him.

We stumble over to my unmade bed, I don't ever want him to stop kissing me, I am in love with this man. I fall back and he lands on top of me. I slam my arms down on the sheets, he kisses my neck and I swoon.

The apartment is dark and mysterious; with one hand I unbutton his shirt and run my fingers down his bare chest as he kisses my neck. I can feel him running his fingers up the side of my thigh, I look up at his face and he has a mischievous glint in his eye, his hand reaches my crotch and I shudder with pleasure, he gives a squeeze and I can't help moaning.

I bend over and continue to kiss him, the kisses suddenly become more passionate and the pace increases. I bend down and start to suck on Phil's neck,

"Dan.." He moans, he splays his hands on my crotch.

I remove my head and smile at my work, a bold love bite has appeared on Phil's ghastly pale skin, I can feel Phil feeling my crotch, he hastily unbuttons my jeans and I slither out of them, still kissing Phil's neck.

I roll over and push Phil underneath me, I grab his crotch and he starts to close his eyes, whimpering. I unzip his jeans and without Phil's assistance slide them over his legs to reveal an erect penis.

I jump back into position and start to passionately kiss Phil, he doesn't object, he digs his fingers into my bare chest. I can't help giving a satisfied scream.

"Phil, Phil, Phil," I moan. I slide down his naked body and run my tongue against his penis. I can feel Phil shiver, he thrusts it as to as for more, I open my mouth and begin to suck, softy at first but Phil beings to thrust and I work faster.

"Fuck Dan!" I can hear him shout.

I begin to suck faster, applying more pressure than before. My heart is beating a million miles an hour, I need to stop to catch my breath but I will fuck him until he is passed out. I carry on though, in and out, I swear I will do this until Phil comes.

I control the gags, until Phil sneezes, I try and control my laughter as he releases creamy white fluid into my mouth, I suck and swallow it. It makes me feel so happy. I lick his penis for more. Eventually I pull back and look him in the eye. His blue eyes are shining and he looks radiant.

"I sneeze before I come." He giggles.

I can't help laughing. "You are fucking amazing."

He smirks and shoves me over his shoulder onto the floor. He lands with his hands on my naked body. "My turn."

I am surprised; I thought I was the dominant one. Sex has just made Phil animalistic; it's a side of him I haven't seen before.

He strips me of my pants and gently rubs my dick, It feels amazing, I can't help moaning.

"Phil.. whaa..what are you doing?"

I have slept with girls before, but sex was never like this, it was sex. But this is something else.

Soon enough I am erect. Phil gently licks my penis with his tongue, but he is hungry, suddenly he begins to suck harder and harder. I start to breathe harder and harder.

"Holy shit Phil." I shout. I grab the leg of the bed. I can't stop moaning. This is amazing.

Soon my penis releases the liquid gold that Phil was searching for. Within no time he has sucked it all up. But Phil is ravenous, he continues to gain and release pressure. I am in agony; I close my eyes and smile. Fucking hell this is good. He is good.

He reaches up and kisses me, our mouths caked in semen. He rolls of me. We stay there in silence, lying next to one another. My mind replays what just happened.

I look down at my penis, it's still erect. I am turned on by him. Insanely.


	11. Chapter 11

"Coffee?"

I open my eyes to look up to Phil. His hair is wet and his eyes are as bright as they were last night. He smiles and hands me a cup of warm comforting liquid.

"Thanks." I touch my head; I suddenly remember the amount of alcohol I consumed last night. I feel so hot and heavy. I want to sleep all day.

Phil sits down next to me on the unmade bed. "Hangover?" He groans "I have such a bad headache, do you have any aspirin?"

I open my eyes and roughly gesture to a cupboard in my bathroom. "Top shelf." My arm flops down back under the covers; they are so warm and comforting.

I feel my mouth, it feels rough and crusty. My mind flicks back to the sex last night. It's enough to make me smile. I hope that Phil enjoyed it as much as me. I have never felt a connection like that before.

He takes the tablets with ease and then walks back over to the bed, swiftly he takes the duvet away from me, and he forces me out of bed.

With as much enthusiasm as I can gather, I quickly shower, with a towel by my side this time and straighten my hair, I throw on my patchwork shirt, my denim cut-offs and converses.

I look over at Phil, he is leant against the door.

He laughs "You ready to go now?"

I quickly grab my phone "Yep, let's go clean some glasses."

We step outside into the morning sunshine, I reach out and put on my sunglasses.

"Why you so indie Daniel."

"Why you so hipster Phillip." I grab his hand and squeeze it tightly, I suddenly hear muse, I turn my head and look around.

"Oh shit." Phil reaches for his pocket and produces his phone.

"Go for Phil." I shout as he answers it.

"Shut up." He slaps my wrist.

He walks away to a nearby bench looking out over the river. I point at Starbucks and he nods.

It takes me no time to gather two lattes, and a chocolate coin for me, as I am childish. I walk over to Phil as he is just finishing his conversation.

"Ok, that sounds great, meet you later, bye." He hangs up and looks up at me; he gives me a warm smile and accepts the latte. "Thanks."

"So who was that?" I ask him as we make our way to the underground.

"Just someone about my photography."

"Shit Phil, that's great." I stop him and give him a smile. "What is it about?"

"They just want to see some stuff later, it's probably nothing."

"Fucks sake Phil, you could really do something with this."

"I don't know." He shakes his head "It's just that, nothing like this has happened to me before. I mean I have you, I have a big break for my photography, and it's all too much."

"If it's meant to happen it will, so what if they don't like it there are plenty of people who love your work. But to be honest if they don't like it they are fucking blind." I smile and look at his eyes.

He pulls in for a kiss and I don't object, I want to be there for him, and if this is the way to help him feel better, a kiss will never hurt.

He pulls away and reaches for my hand; we sip our lattes and listen to Muse on my headphones for the rest of the way to work.

Before we step into the bar, Phil kisses me again.

"Thanks for telling me Dan." He smiles, "I wish I could be more like you, I need to go to the gallery now so see you later."

This makes me laugh, why in the world does he want that. I don't feel like getting him down so I just smile and walk inside.

"Good Luck."

I watch him walk away, and I really hope something does work for him. He deserves so much more.

I spend the day doing chores for Jude, cleaning glasses, measuring out and sampling some alcohol, I left the vodka for Phil. Filling out a mountain of paperwork. Leaving the mountain of paperwork.

I break for lunch but instead of eating I walk up to the piano and begin to play. I let the music drown out all my thoughts.

Today my hands decide to play happier music, I play Regina Spector. I play Us. I think about Phil and how my life has changed since I met him. If he moved out of my life now I don't know what I would do. I care for him so much, I think of him like my brother, but I also think about ripping off his clothes and sucking his perfectly formed cock.

I finish the piece, this time I am not in tears but a smile is written all over my face. I hear applause.

I look up and see Jude smiling.

I blush.

"Dan, that was amazing." He smiles, "No demo music there."

I give a laugh "Thanks."

"Want to play tonight?" He walks towards the stage "I could increase your salary."

I can feel my eyes double in size. "Fuck." I clamp my mouth "I mean, I would play for nothing, oh my God thank you so much."

"No problem man, you earned it." He slaps me on the shoulder. "I would offer you tequila, but I realise you have already taken it." He laughs and winks at me "Just get a couple of songs ready for tonight."

"Yes sir." I raise my hands and salute him. Shit that was embarrassing. I pull them quickly behind my back. He walks away but I can hear him laughing.

"You are a strange one Daniel Howell." He walks into the store room.

I immediately get out my phone and punch in Phil's number. I am so happy, today we have both gotten a break, this is what I needed.

I bring the phone to my ear and wait for his northern voice to pick up.

"Go for Dan!" I laugh.

"Hey." He says quietly.

"Everything ok?"

"Yes completely great."

"Well you never guessed what Jude just said to me!"

"Dan.." he cuts me off.

"Yes?"

"Dan they loved my work."

"Well that's great isn't it?"

"Yes but." He quietens off.

"But what?" A silence descends the conversation.

"They offered me a job in Australia."

I can feel my heart beating faster. "What did you say?"

"I said, yes."


	12. Chapter 12

He carries on talking but everything suddenly becomes blurry. I feel as if all the wind has been sucked out of my lungs.

"Dan?" I hear him say quietly.

I raise the phone to my ear. "I need to go now, bye Phil."

I can't even hang up the phone, my hand opens and the phone drops to the floor. I want to cry, but I can't if he doesn't want to be with me. I can't give a shit over him since he is fucking off to Australia. He didn't even talk to me about it, he just took it.

I can feel I am being harsh to him. But I push those thoughts away.

Wanker.

I grab my phone and put it in my pocket. In the store room and grab the tequila. I don't bother getting a glass; I just drink it from the bottle. Gulping down the warm liquid, my throat burns but I don't care, I want to get pissed.

Soon the bottle becomes lighter, put the cap back on and stagger away, I feel unsure, but at least my mind is off Phil.

I clean the tables and get ready for the evening. I walk around like nothing has happened. I am walking like I did before I met Phil. He turned me into a fucking emotional wreck, maybe it was just love that was doing it, but I truly gave him everything. I shared things with him I have never shared with anyone, but now he has got something better he is leaving, just like that.

What was he expecting me to say?

Congrats on your new life.

Suddenly the feeling of the alcohol takes a turn for the worst; I can feel it burning in my chest t begging for a reappearance, fucking balls.

I run as quickly as I can to the toilets. I swing open the door and just have time to lock the door before it all comes up again, my whole mouth tastes of acid and my lungs are burning. I have to kneel down as I feel like it could come up again.

Sure enough I carry on vomiting; the bottle of tequila I drained in haste is now in the toilet. I wipe my mouth with my hand and clutch my stomach.

"Dan, is that you?" I can hear Jude's voice from the other side of the cubicle door.

"Ye-" I am cut off by the next stream of vomit, exiting my body.

"Dan are you ok?"

"Sorry." I wipe my mouth on my sleeve.

"Are you slurring?"

Shit, shit, he has found out. "No, no completely sober, never been better."

I hear him moving, and then see his head appear through the gap underneath the cubicle.

"It certainly looked like you in the store room."

Fuck. Why do I get myself in these situations?

He looks at me and reaches his arm out. "Dan are you ok?" he asks again.

And that is when I begin to melt down.

"No." I say, I can feel my eyes starting to swell with tears.

"Dan just unlock the door, then I can come and help you."

I manage to stumble up and unlock the door.

He holds my arm and walks me to his office. He kindly sits me down and hands me a box of tissues why I carry on crying and rocking backwards and forwards holding my arms over my knees.

I am not sure if it's the alcohol or just me, but I am a complete wreck.

"Tell me as a friend Dan, not your boss." He gives me a reassuring smile. "What's wrong?"

I can't help the tears streaming down my face, my head is thumping and I really don't want to talk.

"Phil is moving." I wipe my eyes with my snotty tissue.

Jude hands me another tissue and smiles. "Well he isn't going to the other side of the world is he?"

This only makes me howl harder. "Australia." I mumble.

I can see Jude's ever optimistic face falter "Well there must be some reason why."

I continue crying and wiping my eyes, I can just tell my skin has gone all red and blotchy.

"He has got a job." I sob as I sip a glass of water against the request of my stomach.

He reaches out and touches my arm. "Sometimes things don't work out; you can't turn into a wreck when these things happen. I don't know what was going on between you both but you have every right to be hurt."

We look at each other in silence before he gets up to walk away. "Just make sure you are doing the right thing, maybe you should talk to him?"

I silently shake my head. That bastard doesn't deserve anything; the only thing Phil Lester has given me is a broken heart.

I don't feel any better by 9 o clock. I walk out of the office and take in the crowd. For a Monday night this place is busy. I walk into the store room and take the tequila off the shelf. I drain the rest of the bottle, as this is the only thing which can solve my aching heart.

I smile, I feel better, I feel far out from everything. I am pissed.

I walk back into the bar and as soberly as possible stagger up to the piano. Jude looks over at me and I manage to hold my arm in place to give him a thumbs up.

I look at the shining black keys; I know exactly what song to play.

I rest my hands on the piano and place my foot on the peddle, the light shines above me and some people have turned their heads and put down their drinks to listen to what melody's will be created.

I raise the microphone to my mouth.

"Tonight, I will be playing a song that has meaning to me at the moment."

I begin to play, rest my hands on the keys.

"The shit broke my heart, I fell for him, and this is a story that was better at the start."

I can hear people stop talking. I hear a glass shatter.

"He led me on; the bastard made me fall for him, but this little shit deserves a whole song"

I cough. And look around, every single pair of eyes is staring right at me, I carry on.

"Fuck him, fuck the rest." I start to slam my fists angrily down on the keys, tears begin to flow from my face.

I stand up and stagger backwards, I can feel the tears roll down my cheek, my cheeks are flushed bright pink.

"Phil Lester is a cunt." I try to walk off the stage in a straight line but the tequila is making it impossible, I slam into people's tables and shatter a glass trying to steady myself.

I can feel people looking at me, people are feeling sorry that they are not this hysterical fucked up 21 year old. They pity me.

I walk out the door and take one last look at the place that lead me to the guy that later would destroy me.

I am pretty sure Phil will never be back here.

I am pretty sure I will never be back here.


	13. Chapter 13

I wake up to the sound of cars, noise and traffic. The light streams in from the open window, I find myself lying on the floor next to my bed. My head is thumping from the amount of alcohol I consumed last night. I must have passed out.

Shit. My back hurts; sleeping on the floor is not the same when you don't have anyone beside you. I try and block Phil from my mind, but I can't help a tear spill down my cheek. I briskly wipe it away.

I can't remember much about last night; I remember throwing up in the toilets, Jude comforting me in my office, and then… and then it all goes blurry.

I fish in my pocket for my phone, 11:00. Fuck I need to be at work.

I quickly run to the shower, and let the cold water that I have gotten ever so slightly got used to, I towel dry my hair, so it curls and does its own thing. I quickly throw on a new shirt and the same jeans. My head is thumping, and I really don't want to face work, work…

Oh fuck.

I got fired, didn't I.

I sigh then throw myself onto the bed, the soft covers cushion me. I made up that song about Phil, after I drunk a whole bottle of tequila. I sung it in front of all the customers. I said 'cunt' in front of Soho's classiest.

Well done Dan you really fucked up badly this time. I loosely applaud myself.

My phone begins to vibrate, I summon as much enthusiasm as I can muster and grab it from my bedside table.

'Phil Lester'

I can feel my heart beat increase; I sit straight up and stare at the caller ID with an open mouth.

My fingers fumble and I press accept.

I take a deep breath.

"Dan, Dan just let me talk to you."

I carry on listening.

"I need to talk to you in person, I need you to give me a chance to explain."

I open my mouth and consider talking.

"Dan, please, you don't understand how much this job means to me."

"What the fuck Phil!" The words slip out of my mouth. "Don't I mean anything to you? Last time I checked you said you loved me, does that count for anything or is Australia your dream now?"

"Dan.."

I tartly cut him off "No Phil, you didn't even think it through, did you even think of me before you made that decision?"

"I did what I thought was best for myself." He replies, much sharper than before.

"Oh Phil, you are so bloody selfish, you don't know how much you have hur-" I stop and think, he doesn't deserve to know the pain that lies in my heart. "Phil, if you want to take this fucking job, then I can't stop you."

"It was you who told me to go for this bloody job in the first place." He raises his voice.

I slam my hands against the mattress, "Fucking hell Phil, I didn't just say: go ahead, move to Australia, go to the other side of the world, forget about your boyfriend, meet a new fuck buddy and run a fucking bloody love shack!" I shout; my throat red raw, tears begin to spill out of my cheeks.

The thing is I am not mad at him, not in the slightest, I am hurt. When I get hurt I pull up all my guards, I block people out. It's to me share my feelings and problems, I love Phil and I thought he loved me, but he obviously didn't love me enough.

"Dan, if you think I am going to Australia to find a new 'fuck buddy' you obviously don't know me." He retorts.

The tears flow more frequently down my cheeks, I can feel my hands being to tremble, I am losing him, that was my biggest fear and now it's coming true.

"I shared everything with you Phil, everything –everything." I stutter. "If you think I am some open person, who shares stories about fucking self-harm just because I can, I don't think that you know me well either." I quickly wipe away the tears from my blotchy eyes.

There is a silence at the other end of the phone.

"Do you even love me." His voice becomes quieter, he doesn't sound angry, he sounds like something much worse, he sounds hollow.

With quivering hands I look down at his face on my phone, my lock screen appears, we have our arms around each other, we are sitting on the top deck of the London bus, I am smiling as wide as my mouth would let me, I can see Phil's ocean blue eyes sparkling.

My hands are shaking so much that I can barely pick up the phone; I raise it to my ear and gulp.

"Yes." I sob, the tears streaming down my face. "Phil I love you."

But all I hear is the sound of silence; he hung up before I could answer. He has gone.

"HE DOESN'T KNOW I LOVE HIM, I DIDN'T TELL HIM, HE DOESN'T KNOW, HE DOESN'T FUCKING KNOW." I fall off the bed onto my knees, I scream as loud as my lungs will let me. The tears are still flooding down my face; my whole body is shaking uncontrollably.

"HE DOESN'T FUCKING KNOW." I whimper, I rest my head in my knees and weep, I sob and cry whilst I shake, the pain grows within me, my whole body is in so much pain, my heat is broken and literally feels it has been pulled in two.

My head is still thumping, and the tears cloud my vision. I get up quickly and stumble around, I hold my head with my hands and try and walk straight. I bang and crash into what I can make out as furniture. I walk out into the hall and into the kitchen, with haste I open the draws and feel around my with hand, I pull out the biggest knife I can find.

I hold it up in front of my face, the metal glints in the streaming light. I can barely hold it straight; I am quivering so much that I can't focus on anything.

My whole body shivers with the thought, cutting myself could be the answer in releasing the pain, the flow of the ruby red liquid could let out screams for me, it could fix my broken heart.

Before I can think about it I walk to the bathroom, and sit on the toilet seat, the tears still roll down my face, I almost feel like I am in a dream.

I can feel my arm shake as I raise the knife; I close my eyes and quickly dig the knife across my arm, the skin opens like tissue paper and the blood begins to flow.

I feel an immediate flush of pain, but it feels good.

The red liquid drips onto the toilet floor, the knife still firmly gripped in my hand.

I cut into my arm again, this time much deeper.

The blood begins to pump out, the thick red liquid coats my arm and splashes onto the floor, my head becomes to feel heavy and the knife clatters to the floor, I can feel my eyes beginning to roll back in my head, my arms not shaking uncontrollably, my jeans coated in blood.

The pain becomes stronger, but all I care about is the pain that is replacing the torture from my heart, I can focus on the knife wounds, the artistic scars these cuts will leave behind.

I start to feel sleepy, I stare down at my arm and my head rolls back, the blood still continues to pump out at an alarming rate, but before I know it my legs have slid out from underneath me and I fall into an unconscious sleep: contorted and covered in blood in the toilet cubicle.

My eyes close and I black out into a sleep filled with peace and never ending happiness.

This is the place where I can be with Phil.

For some reason, I don't think about the need to wake up.


	14. Chapter 14

"It's ok; you're going to be fine."

I feel a hand wrapped in mine, it feels warm and delicate. I hear a girl's voice, it's light and optimistic. I try and lift my heavy eyelids. I open them and see the blood surrounding me. I am lying on the floor of the toilet cubicle, blood soaked through my jeans and my jacket, my hand spread out on the floor with fingers intertwined with my own.

My arm is covered in wounds; the biggest is still sticky with thick blood, the knife lies right next to my feet.

I try and raise my head, I feel the energy seep through me, I feel lightheaded with probably the lack of blood. My arm is throbbing: but I have dealt with this pain before, but nothing compares to the pain coming from my heart. My heart aches and just remembering that phone conversation makes me want to slip back into a deep everlasting sleep.

I make a murmuring sound and the girl suddenly comes into view.

Her coffee brown hair tickles my face as she looks down, I stare into her eyes, they crinkle with happiness, the pupils are a pale blue, her cheeks are brought alive by a swarm of freckles and her lips are iced with a peachy pink that emphasises her heart shaped mouth.

She is beautiful.

"You're awake." She sighs with relief and her grip on my hand loosens, without thinking I tighten, keeping her fingers closed around mine.

"Have I been unconscious long?" I stutter, my throat burning.

"A couple of hours." She frowns "I found the blood seeping out from the cubicle, and then I saw your hand. I kicked in the door and sorted you out." She gestures to my other hand; the skin is encased in a creamy white bandage.

"Why would you do that, you don't even know me?"

I have seen you rushing out of your apartment over the past couple of weeks, you just haven't seen me. I work late and come home in the morning, I'm a nurse." She smiles.

I don't say anything I just look up at her face, her blue eyes crinkle against the creamy colour of her skin.

She silently reaches for the bandages and seamlessly rolls them on my arm; I wince at first but bite my lip. The angry red scars are treated within minutes.

"Thank you." I mouth.

"No problem." She talks back silently, her mouth creases at the ends.

"My name's Dan." I wipe my curls out of my face.

"Lily." She stands up and straightens her ponytail. Strands fall out but it just adds to her beauty.

"Your clothes." I gasp. Her top and skirt have been covered in my blood; thick irremovable red stains coat the material.

"Don't worry; they were only going to get bloody anyway." She offers me a hand and helps me up, I stumble and grab her shoulder for support. I end up looking her straight in the eyes.

I wipe the curls out of my face and take a deep breath, her eyes crinkle and she looks into mine. I hold her shoulder and feel an electric spark. She bites her lip and raises her hand to my cheek. I breathe slowly and steadily even though I can feel my pulse rising.

I run my hands down to her waist, I push her against the bathroom wall, she looks down but I cup her neck and delicately move my fingers and trace her lips. Slowly I lean in and brush the hair out of her face.

She reaches my lips and we begin to kiss, I can feel warmth spread through my body, it feels nice.

Nice.

But you love Phil. A voice in my head says.

I push that voice away and lunge my tongue down her throat, she sighs with pleasure, She runs her arms up my back and pulls the blood soaked top over my head, I carry on passionately kissing her.

Soon we stumble to my apartment, I swing open the door and we carry on making out over to the couch, I fall back and she lands on top of me, even though it's happening, I feel like I am on auto-pilot.

"Dan." She growls animalisticly. She scratches my bare chest, I yelp at the pain.

I carry on kissing her, but my mind is on Phil. It feels so wrong, I want him. I don't want to have sex with this girl.

I take off her bloody shirt and unhook her bra, her nipples just stare at me, I might as well finish what I have started, and it's only sex after all.

But Dan, think of Phil.

But we broke up.

We fucking broke up.

Her hands reach down to my crotch and she squeezes.

"Fuck." I shout in surprise.

She gets up and looks at me in the eyes, surprisingly she begins to smile.

"You don't want to have sex do you?" She gives a small laugh and lunges back against the couch, her nipples still exposed.

"erm..er." I sit there tongue tied.

"It's ok Dan, I still like you." She looks down and swiftly up again "As a friend." She smiles.

"Oh that's good, I am, well.. my boyfriend and I aren't really talking." I look at her.

"Boyfriend..?"

"Bisexual."

"That would explain it." She gets up and reaches for her bra, "Help me put this back on will you?"

"Sure, um Lily you're a really beautiful girl, and there was no problem on your part, it's just me."

"No problem buddy." She passes me her bra and I begin to put it on her.

I suddenly hear a noise at the door.

"You hear that?" She turns and asks me.

"Yep."

The sound of footsteps become louder and suddenly my apartment door swings open. There at the door stands a tall figure, he wears black skinny jeans and red converse trainers, my eyes scan up before I reach his face I know who this stranger is.

It's Phil.

The next couple of seconds happen so quickly I can't recall them without getting into a confused state of panic.

I open my eyes wider and my mouth drops open with complete shock. I stand there in fear, Lily's bra still in my hands and my bare chest against hers.

The room goes silent, He just stops and stares, he doesn't say anything. I can tell just from his eyes what emotion he feels.

He drops a bouquet of flowers and quickly turns on his heel.

I can tell the emotion he was feeling, I have felt it myself.

That emotion is called heartbreak.


	15. Chapter 15

I have called him over 30 times, but he won't pick up.

My heart feels even more fractured than before, but I don't even know how Phil feels, it was a simple misunderstanding. I didn't have sex with her. I was going to but... it felt wrong.

But he saw me with her bra, her breasts and my naked chest.

"You really fucked up Dan." Lily says, she walks back into my apartment.

I just nod and stare at my phone, I know looking at it won't make Phil call or reply to my messages but I am desperate, he leaves for Australia tomorrow. I need to talk to him.

It might not fix my heart but I want to talk to him, just reassure him that I do love him. If Phil were in my position I would be broken, crushed. I would never want to speak to him again.

My heart is broken, but I know that there is no hope of him ever trusting me again, let alone getting back together, even though I didn't have sex with Lily, I was going to, I let myself.

It was my fault.

"Do you think you will talk to him before Australia?" She sighs and flicks on my TV.

I shake my head; words don't seem to be working at the moment.

My phone begins to ring, shit, shit, and shit. I shake and look at the caller ID.

"FUCK LILY IT'S PHIL." I scream. I quiver and pick up the phone and rest it against my ear.

"Phil, look listen to me, please I need to explain." I stutter.

"Dan-"

"Phil, just let me tell you it was a misunderst-"

"Dan-"

"Just listen Phil." The tears begin to fall down my face. "Listen, I was doing anythi-"

"FOR FUCKS SAKE DAN!" He raises his voice. "I don't care what happened, I saw what I saw ok." I hear him take a deep breath. "Listen, I was just phoning to tell you not to use this number anymore, I have a new one, I am going to Australia tomorrow so-"

"Phil..let me explain for fucks sake, I AM SORRY If I hurt you, YOU HAVE HURT M-"

"bye Dan." He says coldly.

"PHIL DON'T DO THIS, PHIL, PHIL." My voice is screaming now, my lungs are burning and like the last phone call the other end of the line is silence.

I feel as if the tiniest string in the world has been cut. The phone drops to the floor and Lily comes rushing to my aid. She leads me over to my bed.

"He's not worth it." She holds me in her arms, wiping the tears that stream down my cheeks.

"But he is worth it, that's the thing, I love him." I gulp, my whole body is shaking.

"What did he say?" She rubs her fingers on my hand.

"He just told me basically to never speak to him again, and-" I wipe away the tears with my sleeve, "and then- and then he said bye-" I cry "He said bye, just- just like that."

I bury my head under her arm.

"If he means so much to you, don't let him slip away." She smiles "He is going to be on the other side of the world, you may never see him again Dan, if you are going to do something, you need to do it now."

"Can you just let me cry, ok." I say snap.

She gets up and walks though into the living area. "Dan."

I look up from under the duvet.

"Just make sure you do what you think is best." She looks at me expecting a reply, I just look at her, she doesn't know what I want, I have only known her 5 fucking minutes.

I lay there on my bed until the sky turns dark, Lily stays watching TV in my apartment, she said she doesn't mind but I know she doesn't trust me with knives. I wouldn't trust myself either.

I have been thinking about what everyone has being saying to me, I remember Jude talking about exactly the same thing as Lily. I need to talk to him, I need to explain.

And soon it's going to be too late. The thought passes through my brain.

"It's going to be too late." I shout.

"What?" Lily turns around.

I throw away the duvet and stagger out, I open my draws and shove on a clean shirt and jeans, I run into the hallway and hastily place my feel in my toms, I grab my phone.

"Dan, where are you going?" Lily rushes to the door and places her hand on my shoulder.

I turn round to face her and for the first time today, I give a smile.

"I'm going to get Phil." I shout and give her a huge hug. "Thank you so much Lily, I might be dead if I wasn't for you and seriously, you have helped me and -and -and I might be able to explain to Phil, thank you, thank you so- so much!"

I open the door and shut it behind me, I rush down the stairs and hurry into the night, the air is cool and dark, I begin to wish that I had my jacket.

I run as fast as I can to the underground, my sides hurting from all the running, I am holding out with hope, with optimism, this is an emotion that I have never really channelled before, nothing ever goes my way. Being with Phil made me feel truly happy and I don't think being split from him would ever repair my heart.

I manage to catch the tube to kings cross and then transfer to Heathrow, somehow I manage to look like I know what I am doing, but inside my heart is beating a million miles an hour, I get out my phone to check the time and I realise I am shaking pretty badly.

"You alright boy?" I turn round to face an old lady.

"Yes, fine thanks."

"You look like you seen a ghost." She mutters.

"Something like that." I smile, and quickly dart away through the crowd. Business men on trips weave their easily through with their brief cases, I feel so out of place in my denim shirt, shite cut offs and toms.

I quickly run to the first desk I see and wipe my hair out of my face.

"Australia-" I stammer.

The lady at the desk gives me a strange look. "Flights to Australia?"

"Eerm..yes."

"Terminal 23, boarding closes in 5 minutes."

I quickly run in the direction of the terminals, treading on the carpet underfoot. I feel like fucking James Bond. I can feel blisters appearing in my feet, I look down and see the red raw underneath. Without thinking I quickly take them off and run barefoot through the terminal.

People start to look at point at the strange boy wearing shorts and no shoes, my hair is sweaty and windswept and my eyes are red and blotchy from crying.

I see the faint lights of 23 in the distance, I clench my jaw and carry on running, increasing my pace, determined to make it to him.

23.

"Sir are you boarding?" A guard jumps out in front of me, he is huge compared to me, not in height but in build. I bite my lip and stutter.

Shit. I never thought about what would happen after I get to the terminal. I thought Phil would just be there, I could run up to him with open arms and we could kiss just like in the movies.

"No I need to see someone-" I look into his eyes "Its super super important."

"Sorry sir, we have regulations." He eyes me up and down, focusing on my bare feet.

"Please." Without thinking I step back onto a nearby bench. I tower over everyone. People sitting in the terminal turn round to look at the crazy boy.

"Sir, get down from there." His voice becomes hard.

"I AM HERE TODAY TO FIND SOMEONE." I shout, everyone seated turns and stares at me. "NOW COULD SOME REALLY KIND PERSON TRY AND SPOT A EXTREAMLY GOOD LOOKING GUY FOR ME."

People's eyes enlarge, but some turn and begin to look around.

"Sir, Get down right now, otherwise security are going to be involved."

"wait a second, I promise." I try and give him a reassuring smile. "HE HAS BLACK HAIR, HUGE DEEP BLUE EYES AND A SMALL MOUTH, HIS SKIN IS AS WHITE AS IT CAN GET AND HE IS ABOUT 6'2."

I look around myself, trying to spot him.

"Sir now." I can feel arms touch my own. Shit, Shit.

"I'VE FOUND HIM!" I hear a lady shout; she is near the back but stands on a sofa and points.

He looks round with shock in his eyes.

It's him.

"PHIL, PHIL, PHIL." I scream. The arms around my waist get tighter and I feel myself being lifted into the air. Before I know it I am kicking and screaming his name. The guards are pulling me away down the corridor.

I can see him stand up and run to the glass door of the terminal. He presses his hands against the clear material.

"Dan." He mouths.

Before I am pulled around the corner, his face lost from sight.


	16. Chapter 16

I haven't been doing anything; my life has gone back to tumblr and tequila. Lots of tequila, so much tequila I don't know what is real and what isn't. But it's for the best; it solves my ache, since Lily removed all my knives.

My head is permanently aching and my vision is permanently blurry, my world is upside down since he left. He didn't come back for me in the airport; he just got on the flight just like that. He is probably in Australia now, taking photos or making out with another guy on a beach.

"FUCK MY LIFE" I suddenly shout.

"Dan..Dan..What's wrong?" Lily comes into view.

I run my hands through my hair; it's in need of a cut.

She rushes up to me and perches on the sofa, she strokes my arm.

"I am seriously worried about you."

"Why, I'm fucking fine." I jolt my arm away from her grasp.

"Dan you haven't stepped out of this apartment for at least a week, and when you do it's for more tequila." She rips the bottle out of my hands.

"Fuck off Lily."

"No, Dan listen, you need to do something. You can't just sit on your arse all day. You need to sort yourself out and then go and get a job."

I watch her as she pours the alcohol down the sink. I run to check the cupboard for more.

"I threw it all away; you have been depressed for weeks now Dan, I think it's time you did something about it. I know it's not your fault and your heart is still broken. But you need to get hold of yourself." Her voice softens "Now I need to go to work so are you ok?"

I nod and give her a hug. She has been amazing this past month. Looking after me and forcing food down my throat. Giving me medication to help with my depression and washing my clothes. She doesn't really see that appreciation though. She sees the depressed and angry side of me. I haven't smiled or laughed since that day he left me. I just feel that I can't be happy or that it's wrong for me to be happy since he isn't here.

She walks out the door and slams it shut. I am left alone with my laptop to keep my company. No knives of tequila, no bleach or mouthwash. I sit down on the couch and log into Tumblr. I reblog a couple of pictures and carry on scrolling deep into my dash.

Fuck, wait.

I scroll back up a bit and sure enough. It's that picture of London.

It's Phil's picture of London.

He took that picture that day we went sightseeing; I went into Starbucks and he took some shots of the London eye. This was the picture that I showed to that Lady. That was when I told him to arrange something with a photographer, that meeting. That day.

This is the very picture that changed everything.

I can't help a tear flowing from my cheek. My throat begins to long for something to sooth the rising pain coming from my heart.

I click on the source and follow it to sure enough Phil's blog.

I see pictures everywhere, thousands and millions of notes are displayed. I link to his about page.

I just stop and blink.

It's my screensaver picture, my favourite picture.

The picture of us on the London bus. Our eyes full of joy, arms clasped around one another.

He put me on his page.

My eyes begin to read the text, I read it slowly and my mind puts it automatically in his voice. It's like he is sitting right in front of me, he is smiling, wearing his favourite plaid shirt and his black skinny jeans.

_Hi, _

_My name's Phil, I'm not very good at writing so please just try and keep that in mind whilst reading this. I live in Australia at the moment, but I am firmly British, just look at my skin and you can see that I definitely don't belong here_.

A smile escapes my mouth. I cover it up with my hand.

_I take photos that people seem to like; it's my passion, that one thing that I think I am good at. But I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. _

I gasp, surely

_He made my dreams come true; he opened up this world for me, now I have best job in the world. I live in this amazing country and I have people like you who seem to like my work. I get so many kind comments and believe me I read every single one. That one you just wrote- I just read it._

A small laugh erupts from my lips.

I look at the block of text; my eyes scan and notice a single link at the bottom of the page. Lines of a song are scrawled. 'How to save a life' my eyes flicker with recognition. Our song. I click on it, nothing happens.

I sigh, of course it wasn't. Don't be so fucking stupid Dan.

Suddenly a page appears on my laptop. I grip the sides of the screen.

_I know that you won't be reading this but, you know who you are. I don't know if you are feeling heartbreak but I am. I feel as if my world has been torn in two, I feel as if I belong in two different places. I belong here with my camera but I also belong in your arms._

_I know it's stupid and you will never get this message, but, but I love you and even if we never see each other again, I just want to let you know you are the first person I think of in the morning and the last person I think of before I sleep at night. I am still hopelessly in love with you, I always will be._

More and more tears roll down my cheeks, a smile is firmly on my face. I am crying tears of happiness.

_ We might move on with our lives, we might meet new people and have other relationships, but a piece of your heart will always be with me. You will always be with me where ever I go. I will never ever stop loving you Daniel Howell. Don't ever forget that._


	17. Chapter 17

"Dan that was a great show, you really know how to perform." Jude smiles and slaps me on the back. "I am glad I hired you back."

"Thanks Jude, I didn't think you would, I mean I wouldn't have, but thank you so much for this opportunity." I look at him and smile, a proper smile.

I am smiling again.

I am smiling since the day I found that note on his blog. I have been so much happier with myself and it encouraged me to move on with my life, since like Phil said even though we have both moved on I still think about him every single moment. I still love him but I know that it's not possible to be together.

I pulled myself together.

I got my job back two weeks ago. I went down the bar and begged Jude for my job back. He sat me down in his office and I explained everything that had happened. He passed me the tissues and the paper work and the next day I was hired.

I have been playing the piano for about a week now, I regained his trust (I think) and he let me loose, I haven't slipped up yet. It can also take my mind off Phil, I can stop wishing for another life and fully loose myself and live in mine. It's great, I don't really work anymore I just come in late afternoon and set up the music. I get paid a decent rate and I am enjoying London life again.

Tonight I played 'How to save a life' as my final song. The audience I have are still cheering as I help clean up the glasses behind the bar, the gently murmur about 'the great pianist' and some lady said 'he moved me to tears'

That song now holds great meaning in my heart; I bought a keyboard for my apartment and have been doing nothing but practicing for hours on end. I love letting my fingers flow freely and my mind become loose.

The song reminds me of Phil, and since he put those lyrics on his blog, the only thing that comes to my mind is how Phil truly saved my life and I saved his. I would still be motionless, just living life in a daze, I would probably be an alcoholic nobody who has no passion for anything except tequila. I saved Phil's life literally: it's strange to think about it but if I hadn't been there he could have cut deeper or the ambulance wouldn't have been called in time.

We saved each other metaphorically and literally.

My life would simply not be the same if I hadn't had met him.

And that is why the song will always be dedicated to him.

"Dan, Dan." I am brought out of my trance by Jude's hand hovering in front of my face.

I drop the towel and brush my hair out of my face. I look up and see Jude's kind blue eyes and another unfamiliar face standing next to him.

It's the lady that was almost crying over my song. She looks about 30; she wears a brightly coloured dress with her glossy blonde hair curled around her face.

"Sorry." I say looking at him puzzled.

"Dan, this is Louise." He gestures at the lady and she gives a warm smile. "Louise is from the CSM."

I give him a puzzled look. What the fuck.

"CSM is the California School of Music." She says smiling, her accent is glossy and American just like her hair. "I believe young man that you are a talent. You are such a star with the way you play, the song gelled so perfectly together and just the way you..you felt that keyboard with such emotion brought tears to my eyes."

She stands there waiting from a reaction.

"I believe that you deserve so much more than a performing in a bar, in London. You have so much talent and it's people like you that make my job so easy."

My mind suddenly starts screaming 'talent scout'

"What the fuck have I done to deserve this?" I immediately register what I have just said and clamp my hand over my mouth.

"Young man, I want you to be on the first flight to California with me, you have such a future ahead of you and that starts with a scholarship, a place in the class of 5 other students." She throws back her head and laughs "I can make your dreams come true!"

"Shit, that's amazing." I suddenly shout. I look over at Jude.

All fine by me Dan, she came to me first to try and steal you." He smiles and pats me on the back "Take it Dan, do this for yourself, no one else."

I start picturing California, the sun and the music, a place where my dreams could come true, I could live and breathe music with 4 other people that share my same desires.

But Phil.

My mind is suddenly spun in a different direction. I think of Phil and his kind face, what would he want me to do. He followed his dreams and he is enjoying every second of it.

Going to California could be the thing I need to get over him. To stop obsessing and finally let go.

"Will you take it then Honey." Louise looks at me and beams a huge smile.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I have to decide, I have to decide whether I am ready to move on, whether to leave London after my life is just getting back to normal.

Phil followed his dreams so why can't I.

"Yes." I smile.

"Good lad." Jude smiles and hands me some papers. God that was quick.

"Dan, all you need to do is fill in these forms and I will call you tomorrow morning, I want to get you to California asap to meet everyone and get to find your way around before the semester starts." She gives me another huge smile and surrounds me in a hug.

She smells sweet and florally.

"So glad to have you on the team sugar." Her hazel eyes shine.

They both leave me and start talking to themselves, the glass still firmly in my hand from washing up. I just go over what has just happened.

My dreams and wishes have all been just granted. I should be over the fucking moon.

But why do I feel so hollow inside.


	18. Chapter 18

"Just lay your case here; I will take care of it." I look up and give a smile to the lady handling my baggage.

I swing my backpack over my shoulder and start walking in the general direction of security, the airport is bustling for a Monday morning.

It's one week since I had the offer to join the academy in California. You probably think that's why I am at the airport. I am going to America, but not to go to the school. I am here to travel around America and just take in everything, I want to explore.

I quit my job at the bar yesterday, I packed my clothes in a suitcase and handed the keys of my apartment to Lily. I still own it but I am renting it out. I told her to choose a really hot guy for herself. She deserves someone.

I bet you are thinking why did I turn down that place of 5 people, I had a future laid out in front of me, it was a no brainer, but I felt something in my heart saying not to go. I know it sounds stupid and I will probably look back in a year and think what the fuck Dan. But I think I made the right decision. For one there is a smile on my face.

I have no exact idea where I am going to go. My flight goes to California, so I guess I start there. I actually have no fucking clue if this is a good idea.

I might do some jobs, I might find somewhere I like and stay there, I actually have no fucking idea. But I have always wanted to go on adventure, and I feel that it would help me get over him. I will be constantly thinking about not starving, or having a bed, so I will be pushing out of my brain.

I make my way to security and get through easily; I now just have the wait for the flight to board.

I walk to the Starbucks and decide to buy a Frappuccino and a chocolate coin. I smile to myself, how many Starbucks have I ordered in the past couple of months. Countless amounts. My mind flicks back to the day when I met Phil. That day on the tube where I first saw him, his plaid shirt and his vibrant blue eyes, the brief glance he gave me before disappearing into the sea of people.

I take my hot drink and find a table, I sit down and pull out my headphones, I plug on Paramore and loose myself for an hour.

I absently mindedly start drawing music on my napkin, a tune runs through my head, the notes join together, I haven't written songs for years, but this melody that flows freely through my brain reminds me of being happy, I don't think If I saw Phil now I could be upset with him.

It's been a month now, since I read his blog. I haven't been back on there; it feels like an invasion of privacy even though it's meant to be shared. This whole letting go thing is harder than you think when you have a fully updated blog with location and pictures of people he is spending time with.

I actually got Lily to block it for me. So I couldn't be tempted.

Another couple of hours pass and I spend my time writing music and drinking endless cups of coffee, I decide to get up and walk around a bit before my flight is called.

I look around the shops buying some tequila and some new cd's. Starting to feel a bit drained I decide to go to the washroom and spray myself with cold water. The cold water comes in contact with my face and they open wide. I they open so wide I have to take a second glace. I look into the mirror and the corner of my eye spots black hair and a red plaid shirt. I quickly turn my head

Fuck.

I can't.

Don't be so stupid Dan.

I look back into the mirror and wait for them to turn round.

I take it all in, big blue eyes, pale porcelain skin.

It takes all my strength not to go running up to him. I delegate what to do, my heart begins to pound.

What the fuck is he doing here, why is Phil fucking Lester in London.

He exits the washroom and I quickly walk after him, the tap still flowing. I run my hands through my hair and feel myself sweating.

I thought I was over him, I imagined that if I ever met him again I would be calm, fuck this emotion I am feeling is definitely not fucking calm.

I watch him as he goes back to a table in Starbucks, I can't see anyone else with him.

I know exactly why I feel relieved.

I never did get over him.

I brush down my shirt and walk into the coffee shop, the smell arouses me and I walk over to the next table.

Dan just go talk to him. Shit, shit. He turns his head away from a book and looks in my direction; I put my hands over my head and shadow my face.

His eyes light up with recognition.

"Dan!" He says.

Fuck, fuck, fucking hell.

He gets up and runs his hands through his hair, he gives me a smile.

That is the very smile that melts my heart.

"Hi."

"Hi." He says.

Without asking he pulls up a chair and sits down.

"Wow, I never imagined it would be like this." He gives a small laugh.

"Like what?" I stutter, I try and hide my burning cheeks with my hand.

"I never thought we would see each other this soon." He picks up his coffee and takes a sip. I can tell he's nervous as his hand trembles.

"I know what you mean, I thought I would be calm and deal with it, but fuck I am a wreck." I smile, avoiding asking why he is at the airport.

"Going somewhere?"

"California."

"Nice."

"Travelling."

"With anyone?"

"Alone." I look at him "You?"

"I came back for a while."

My heart stops, he came back..

He came back. I want to ask him why so badly, I long to know. I need to know.

"I came to get some more shots of London." He smiles.

My heart sinks, my stomach begins to churn. I give a small smile.

FLIGHT 1249 TO CALIFORNIA BOARDING NOW. The screens flash.

"Your flight?" He looks at my eyes, my insides turn to mush.

"Yes."

"Right then…"

I get up from my chair awkwardly and stand their looking at him.

"Right."

"See you then.."

"Yes."

I pick up my bag and swing it onto my back. It feels wrong, there is a blister between us, we need to talk about everything, but we can't.

It feels wrong walking away, I feel like it's the wrong option. But maybe it's for the best. We can't go on like this. We don't deserve to have our hearts broken again.

I stride out of Starbucks and pull on a brave face; I put on my sunglasses to hide my eyes, the eyes that begin the swell with tears.

I look back through my glass window; I watch his face, his pale skin shines and his eyes gleam. A tear falls from my eyes and lands on the ground.

I walk towards the terminal and don't look back. I can't face it. I can't do this anymore.

I walk into the boarding room and show my pass, I slump down onto one of the sofas and wait, and wait.

I don't look up I just cry.

"I NEED EVERYONE TO HELP ME NOW; I AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL, SOMEONE SO SPECIAL I CAN'T LET THEM SLIP AWAY FROM ME AGAIN." I look up and see a figure stood on a bench.

My tears begin to fall faster.

"HE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME, I STILL LOVE HIM, HE IS MY WORLD AND WITHOUT HIM MY HEART IS EMPTY. PLEASE DAN IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY BOTHERING TO LISTEN, I LOVE YOU, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW IT BUT I DO. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN." They cut off; I hear a rustle and a gulp.

I get up from the sofa and my legs almost give out from underneath me. I stumble to the glass door.

I run up to him and I am oblivious to everyone else.

I encase him in a kiss, our lips meet and it's like nothing else matters. I reach my hands up to his face and wipe his tears, I brush his hair out of his face and kiss him, making up for the time we have been apart.

I step away and look into his deep blue eyes.

"I came back to London for you Dan." Tears still spill out his eyes. "I came back to tell you that I still love you."


	19. Chapter 19

It turns out sometimes you can have a happy ending.

I have learnt over the past months that life is pretty flexible and that things can turn good no matter how bad they might seem.

After that day at the airport I turned round and walked out the airport with Phil's hand in mine, Phil took his suitcase back to my apartment and now he lives with me. Even though the apartment is small and pretty shit we are planning on moving to a bigger one soon. Our house.

I love having him around, I get to kiss him when I want and hold his hand walking down the street. He makes me joyful and truly happy.

I think Jude is getting pretty fed up of my face, but he hired me AGAIN and also gave Phil his job back. I play the piano four nights a week and on the other three nights I play when I can. I have written a whole collection of songs now, I feel the happiest and most confident I have my whole life. I think that is down to one person.

It might sound bad and really stupid, but I love him with a whole heart and have been through more with him than many people have with a boyfriend/girlfriend. I know everything about him and felt emotions over him that I could have never felt before I met him.

Sometimes you think that there is no chance of a happy ending, if things didn't work out he could still be living in Australia and I would had been on the first flight to California.

I think that we are meant to be with each other. I love the feel of his hand in my hand and his tongue down my throat, I love the taste of his cock and the way that he runs his hands through his hair when he is unsure about something.

Phil still takes photos, he has a small gallery in SOHO and is now actually selling some of his pieces, sure they don't make much at the moment, but people love his pictures and when I see that smile on his face: I know that it's what makes him happy. Something like that needs to be in your life, just like I have made sure music is now part of mine.

I still am the same person I was before I met Phil. Still accident prone and unsure, but I have confidence.

It might sound bad but yolo, you can only live once and I am going to enjoy every single second of it. I haven't been doing that recently, I have probably been the most depressed I have been in my life and the happiest I have ever been. So YOLO. This applies to everyone.

Last night when he lay next to me in bed he held my hand and told me that I was the best thing to happen to him. He spoke in such a loving way that it made me love him more; he told me that he wants to be me. He said that when he opened the door and saw Lily and myself his heart immediately broke, and that he was so crushed because he truly loved me and that's why he left because he couldn't take the pain anymore.

I watched him stare at the ceiling his blue eyes shining bright in the darkness, his hair was coming over his face and tears were coming out of his eyes.

I made him feel better the only way I knew how, by proceeding to pull off his shirt and you know what happened next.

But what I am getting at is that I am now the happiest I have ever been, I know that life will want to mix things up again, so whilst I can I am going to live in the moment and spend every moment I get loving Phil and having him love me. I can kiss him one moment and proceed to play Halo at two in the morning the next.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete. Without Phil in my life I think that I would still be insecure and have no direction.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of peace. Love is the trace on your face when that person is on your mind, that stupid smile that crosses your lips when they come into vision.

Love is the person that can make you depressed and without having them in your life, makes it not worth living. Once you have finally found that person who meets that description, then you have found the person that you deserve, the person that you will spend the rest of your life with.

I plan on spending every moment with him, I want to see where my life goes with him, I want to show everyone that love can come from anywhere, I love him from the bottom of my heart.

I am Daniel Howell, I am a waiter in a cocktail bar. I am in love.

* * *

Fin.


End file.
